We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
