are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
