It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
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The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
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I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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