I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he puts the penis in happiness.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
