Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
