Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
