you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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