i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
