I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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