i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
