i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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