Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
