When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
