Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
