I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
