There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
