I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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