Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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