Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
