I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
