capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
