He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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