So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
