So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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