she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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