90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
