my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
