Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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