So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
