he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
