I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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