Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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