i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
