So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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