I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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