i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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