That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
