i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
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it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
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The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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