i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize