im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
