I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
