booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
