dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
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