Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
