i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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