I will die if light touches me.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
