I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
