Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
