Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
