What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
