i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
