it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
