I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
