she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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