Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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